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Beware The Alfie
Before we get to the question this week, I just wanted to share a little about a movie I watched the other day.
I happened to watch the Jude Law movie "Alfie" the other night.
While I can't recommend it based on its merits as a movie (especially if you have as little time as I do), I found the message in it to be very disturbing and worth noting.
Basically, the film is about a young British guy (good looking, of course) who is a limo driver in New York City. He's a ladies man, and pulls action all the time. Over the course of the movie, you see his cocky and confident facade pulled down by a series of events that make him re-think his approach to life and women.
Now, on the surface, this seems like the standard cautionary tale about not using people and thinking of other people's feelings. After all, Alfie is just using these poor women and being a real jerk.
But wait a minute here....
He actually is very straightforward about his intentions from the start. He explains that he doesn't want to stick with one woman. He doesn't mistreat any of his ladies, and they all enjoy his company. And while these women all act hurt from time to time about the fact that Alfie isn't likely to settle down with any of them, they all knew the deal from the beginning.
The danger that this movie presents is that it portrays these women as helpless victims, women who we are supposed to believe were tricked into Alfie's bed under false pretenses.
The one that stands out is his friend's girlfriend who actually comes on to HIM and they get jiggy on the pool table at her bar. Now, some bad things happen because of this get-together, but again, she knew what she was doing
- and WANTED to do it.
Here's the dangerous and incorrect message that the movie tries to get you to believe:
"Women are helpless creatures who can't make their own decisions, and the man that seduces them is a BAD person."
Oh, and one more related message is underneath that one:
"Guys who seduce or sleep with more than one woman, OR who don't want to be tied down, are JERKS."
And one more that's even more disturbing:
"Women aren't responsible for their decisions."
This is the dangerous message that the media is trying to perpetuate on you. It's dangerous for men and women. And, quite honestly, it's more insulting to women if you look at it in the right light.
Every one of the women in that movie knew what she was doing. It's not the man's responsibility to sit her down and have her sign a disclosure before she sleeps with him so that she acknowledges the reality of what she's getting into.
The real truth is that women often put on romantic blinders when dealing with men. (Men even do this.) We see and believe what we WANT to so that we can DO what we want to.
Unless you have a gun held to your head, you CHOOSE to do everything that you do. No one is pulling your strings.
Unless you are outright lying and being deceitful with a person, they are making the choices that they WANT to make.
Don't believe this garbage that men are the cads and womanizers. Women - and men - everywhere need more guys like Alfie to demonstrate the real Alpha Man traits that are sorely lacking in our world today.
Sometimes all a woman wants is a guy she can have a good time with, no matter how long it lasts.
And if you asked her how she felt about most of the guys she's had her "fun" with, she'd probably tell you she'd gladly do it all over again, knowing exactly how it would have to end.
Alright, I'm interest in this girl. We've been hanging out for a while now (I mean as in a group of our friends). I know her and her friends have already formed opinions on me and my friends, but also know those opinions can change in seconds.
Her friend likes my buddy and it's obvious, but this girl in particular is so hard to read. One minute she will flirt with one of my buddies, the next she's asking me for my number and telling me to call her. I don't think anything of it though since she has asked my other friends for their numbers too.
It's like I'm just a friend to her, and when I try and talk to her, it doesn't seem she is all that interested. Although on other times it does.
Sometimes I feel that her and her friend ignore me a little. Maybe not on purpose, but it sucks. How can I get their attentions and raise the chemistry with this girl. I get nervous, but am willing to flirt with her anyway I can. Sometimes there are dead silences too and I hate that. Help!
CARLOS KNOWS HOW IT FEELS ...:
Women are pros at the "running hot and cold" game, my friend. She learned early on that if she makes it too obvious, the guy will not be as interested in her.
So she plays it hot... then very cool. Then, when you start to lose interest, she's back at it, teasing and heating you up again.
The second she smells that you're interested in her, she knows that she needs to back off. It's just the rule of the game.
The part of this situation I want you to take note of is this: You're responding to her lack of attention in a very insecure way.
I know the situation you're talking about. You're with a woman you dig, and your eyes are all starry and wide for her.
Suddenly, she turns her attention away. You get the "Oh No!" sensation in the pit of your stomach. You panic and start to lose your cool because suddenly you wonder if she's still into you. You feel that you're losing it, and so you start trying REAL HARD.
You're responding more to her hot/cold cycle, which means SHE is the one in control of YOUR emotions. This is the cycle of variable reinforcement that I talk about in the e-books.
Dead silences are only a problem if YOU are uncomfortable with them.
Don't think you have to keep up a conversation all by yourself. If you run into a silence, do what they did in "Pulp Fiction":
- "Don't you hate that?"
- "That. Uncomfortable silences. Why does everybody feel they have to fill in every moment with meaningless blabber. I think you know you've found someone cool to be with if you can just leave in silences like that."
You see the difference there? It's only a problem when YOU feel uneasy and insecure about the silence.
I've said this before:
This girl needs you to be confident enough for BOTH of you.
I met this girl at a restaurant with her big sister and mother. Her sister is my friend, that is why I came to know her. After this meeting I wrote to her begining with 'dear'.... saying that I enjoyed being around her and that she makes me feel special when I'm in her presence. She replied with 'dearest' saying she felt the same way and so on.
I wrote to her again she did not reply. Five months later she enrolled in my college and we are seeing each other once a week. The conversation was good but one day day she asked me if I have a girlfriend. I replied and I had but we were through. I asked the same question and she said she used to have one back in her school but the boy was a pain in the butt.
My confusion is that what does she meant by the word 'dearest' Does she like me or something because i'm hoping she does. The other one is why she asked me about the girlfriends I had.
How do I know she is mine? Is she really thinking of having a relationship with me?
You're reading too much into this. One word doesn't make a relationship. She could have said that because of a movie she saw the night before where someone else said it like that and she wanted to try it out on you.
There are a million reasons why she may have said "dearest", and even if you knew why, it wouldn't make a difference. You're missing the point.
The point is that she's not yours yet, until you take some ACTION.
I hate to sound condescending here, and I'm really not, but this is a common problem for younger guys. They're SO inexperienced with the world of women (and social dynamics as a whole) that they tend to over-interpret what they are experiencing, looking for hidden meaning in the simplest of words.
Women do this for the rest of their lives, but usually most guys get over this bad habit.
Get moving and start making something happen with her. Attraction is created by specific actions and behaviors on your part. And you need to start DOING them, not theorizing.
Oh, and stop that "telling her that she makes you feel special" crap. That's the fastest way to lose her.
And the next time she asks you about your girlfriends, you say, "Wow, you must be digging me. Did you want to get on my will-call list?" Bust her balls. Women love the tension created by these moments.
Stop trying to interpret the mystic "signs" she's giving you. Next thing, you'll be trying to read tea leaves or going to fortune tellers.
Alpha Men don't wait for opportunity. They CREATE it.
You need to get our e-books right away. They will point you on the right path to success with this girl. Get this part of your life taken care of NOW, while youâ?ôre still young enough to enjoy the benefits.
Don't let yourself get put through the wringer again. Don't lose control and get swept up in a situation where you have no control and are at the mercy of one of these women.
I GUARANTEE you success if you do what I recommend, and follow the simple strategies I've got for you.
If you want to get that kind of understanding and control over your love life, you need to download and read my e-book. And you can get the benefits of my best e-books, RISK FREE for the next 90 days.
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THE DATING BLACK BOOK - This e-book set covers the dating scene, from meeting women, to your best attitude, to strategies, to dumping them when you need to move on. Looking for a girlfriend? This book shows you the BIG picture.
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There are dozens of guys out there trying to pull in a fast buck selling you their books on fast seduction and the like. And some of them are decent quality books. But a LOT of them are just a waste of time. I think you guys can tell I'm not pulling your leg here.
I'm in this to help you, educating men to do better in their lives in the one thing that has eluded us for thousands of years - SUCCESS WITH WOMEN.
Is there ANYTHING more important?
Time is running short for all of us, no matter how young or old you are. Don't waste precious years of your life learning by trial and error (and perhaps not learning at all).
Remember life is too short, and death is too long.
Don't wait until your heart is broken before you take steps to learn how this game is played.
Get the information on how to improve your dating life TODAY. Make the changes you need to make to get the love, sex, and relationships that you want and DESERVE to have.
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All my experience ... my heart and soul is in these e-books and audio programs. I just know you'll enjoy them.
I'll be back with more advice this week...
This is the year for you to get busy and get successful with women!
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Carlos XumaCarlos Xuma is a dating and seduction advisor, as well as a motivational and life counselor. He's the author of The Dating Black Book, Secrets of the Alpha Man, the Advanced Audio Coaching Series, and too many other articles to mention.
Each week, the Dating Dynamics newsletter gives advice to men across the world on topics related to dating, relationships, and sex. Carlos Xuma helps men get more confidence and success with women ... After all, every man has the right to a healthy dating life. Dating Dynamics provide advice, articles, books, audio, and all the resources a mand needs for success.
Carlos has also been a guest advisor and author on numerous sites and respected dating publications, such as:
- Maxim Radio
- Utopia Radio
- Bikini Hangout
- Seduction Insider
- Don Juan Center
- Dating Newsletter
- Single Again
- Cliff's List
- Dating Class
- The Dating Insider Book
- Man Mindset
- Summum Magazine
- Savvy Insider - the art of single living
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