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The last girl I approached was in my university library. She was sitting at a computer doing some work, when I noticed her. I went through the tease to please tactic, and used the name test, and she asked me for my name, so I assumed she was interested. She seemed receptive to me, but when I told her to write her number down, that's where I ran into a problem.
She told me "I don't know about that." I said, "Well, if you can't handle it...". She goes, "It's not that. You look a little young." I said, "I'm prolly older than you." She said, "How old are you?" I said, "How old do you think I am?" She said "Like 19". Now this hurt my feelings naturally, as I am 23, and she had to have been like 20 or so. Instead of begging her, I said "Ok, well if you can't recognize a good catch...", and I walked off. I was kind of hoping she'd call me back and give me the number, but it didn't happen.
My question is: How do I know if a girl is interested and playing hard to get, and if I should persist, or if I am wasting my time and she is not interested?
Ah, yes... I remember when I was just a wee lad, first scoping out the babes... the world was all boobs and butts back then... (Insert look of nostalgia) :)
Okay, let me get out of my rocking chair here and cut to the chase.
First of all, my commendations to you for actually getting out there and USING the material. Hats off - you did a great job.
Now, let's see what we can improve...
When she said, "I don't know about that," I'm pretty sure I know what your internal reaction was. You felt what most guys do - a sinking feeling of "Oh, no... I'm losing this one... it's ... slipping..." And a little despair starts to settle in your gut.
What would have helped here would have been to have a response for her challenge. (This concept is covered completely in December's Audio Session.) You need to prepare for any response she might throw at you.
You knew she would respond with one of three possible answers:
1) Sure, here's my number. (What you hoped she'd say)
2) Hmmm... I don't know. (Expressing doubt, but not a denial)
3) No. (Denial.)
I'll tell you now that it's almost never an outright NO, and it's usually one of the first two. The better you get, the more phone numbers you get.
When she says "I don't know about that," here's what she's REALLY saying:
"You've got my interest, but you haven't engaged my attraction enough to overcome the immediate fear I have that you're coming on to me for the purpose of s*ex. I need some more evidence that you're a guy worth investing some of my emotions in. So, I'm not sure yet. Convince me more."
In other words, she was TESTING you, whether she realized it or not. She was interested.
And you felt hurt because you suspected inside that you either looked or were too young to have her. (And I bet you a dozen Krispy Kremes she could read it on your face when she told you that, too.)
Here's how I would have had you respond to her challenge:
She says: "It's not that. You look a little young."
You say: "Actually, I don't usually hang out with older women. But since you don't have a walker with those green tennis balls on the front, I thought it would be okay. I'll help you out the door when you need to leave."
You say: "Thanks! I do look good for my age, don't I? Are you intimidated by men that look younger than you? You know, Demi Moore knows where the game is. I think she might even be a little older than you, come to think of it."
Then, later on, when it suits YOU, you tell her you're actually older and rub it in a little.
The point is to put the burden of validation back on HER. She's trying to make you dance to her approval. When the game got too hot for you, you ejected.
That's an appropriate response when you run out of fuel. But the thing to do now is not view this as a failure. You actually had a great success. (You may have defined it as a failure because it didn't get you as far along as you liked, but there's more to it.)
You approached, you engaged, you used the right attitude, you asked for the number, and YOU called the shots. You chose to NOT argue with her at the end or get defensive. Awesome. Dude, that rocked! You did most everything you could have up to that point, honestly. And that's ten times more than most guys EVER do. Now, let's take it to the next level.
There was a lot to learn from this that you can apply to the next situation. You take the situation, break it down, plan your responses. When you get a new one, you invent a reply on the fly -- OR eject, re-evaluate, and plan for the next time. Each time, you get a little further and better.
Your next goal is to take an interaction like this at least one more response further until you reach the goal. It's just like tennis. Keep hitting the ball back into her side of the court until she isn't able to return it. Then, you WIN.
The more attractive the woman, the more blocks and tests she's going to put in your way. The more she'll play "hard to get." Not necessarily intentionally, either. You see, she NEEDS to make it hard, because she gets approached ALL the time, and the only way she can know if you're for real is if you demonstrate the kind of bulletproof confidence that indicates a real Alpha Man.
Playing hard-to-get makes her appear more valuable to you. Huh... I wonder how a guy might make this concept work for HIM. Hmmm... (Insert thoughtful silence here...) Anyway...
You asked a different question at the end of your letter, and I chose not to answer it for a reason. Why? Because it wasn't the REAL question you needed an answer to. You needed to know that the only way to know if a woman is interested is if you can MAKE HER INTERESTED.
You're assuming that a woman knows the second you walk up to her if she's interested.
NOT TRUE. (Unless you're doing some hideous hunchback imitation or something...) She WILL figure it out, however, in the first minute or two after you start to talk to her.
YOU start the process. YOU have the control over her interest by how you handle those critical first few moments of conversation. She doesn't know how she feels about you until YOU help her figure you out.
Weird, huh? But it gives you so much POWER. (Which, ironically, is what will scare most guys from going further. It's much easier to give up and blame someone else for the failure, isn't it?)
So your question is REALLY asking: "How can I mystically interpret a woman's behavior so I can avoid the risk of rejection?" That's like saying, "How can I know if I'll beat my friend at pool without playing him in a game and maybe losing to him?" You're asking something that is just not possible.
You wanna play?
You gotta pay.
And only by risking do you get the rewards you seek, and learn how to get better the next time... and the next time...
Which leads me to my answer to your question about persistence: You keep going until she either removes herself from the situation (leaves or gives you obvious attitude), you get what you want (number/email), or you feel that you've learned all you can from the interaction and remove yourself (eject). Don't leave that decision up to her. Remember: She's not qualified to make it for you.
Now, wouldn't it be great to understand enough about how her attraction works so you could radically improve those odds in your favor? So that you can give her the responses to her challenges that win?
That's exactly what my e-book (and audio series) will teach you. Not only do you learn what the subtle psychological aspects are, but how you can amplify these "Alpha Man" traits so that you are able to draw in the women that you want. The only magic you have to add to this equation is the attitude to take action.
Every guy that behaves according to the information I teach is more successful than they were before, and most of them become MASSIVELY successful.
Which leads me to this: You know that women are getting more and more picky about men, and they can sniff out inferior guys with just a whiff of your confidence. And to stand out you MUST have the edge on the other guys out there. You need to be a REAL MAN, not this sissie-fied cartoon man that the media and evening television sells you.
My e-book gives you the information and skills to get the women YOU want. Not SETTLE FOR. You've GOT to be an Alpha Man. Look, there are so many things you have to have down pat in the singles world. Like, how do you NOT screw it up in those vital first couple minutes of meeting a woman?
You've heard me say this before: Getting laid is not about getting "lucky." Luck is not a factor. It's about having the right knowledge and understanding up front. Women are actually WAITING for men to date and sleep with, if you'll just give them the right reasons WHY they should be with YOU. It's deliberate and on-purpose, not subject to the whims of chance and fate.
BE the kind of man they are waiting for. That's all they ask of you. I've worked for years to break down what it is that women are trying to tell you with their behavior, and finding out the hard way why being a "nice guy" is dooming you to failure. You have to get this knowledge and understanding, or you may risk never being able to turn your game around. When you have that knowledge, you can make better choices and demonstrate better behaviors. When you demonstrate better behavior, you will get better RESULTS.
My e-book -THE DATING BLACK BOOK- will help you get all of that ... and then some. Just remember: Every man is self-made, but only the SUCCESSFUL admit it. Where do you go for the information you need?
THE DATING BLACK BOOK has the complete breakdown of the dating scene, and it's ready for download right now, no matter where you are or what time it is in the world.
And the advanced audio series is also finally ready to help you build on that knowledge and take your success to the extreme.
Imagine having a coach giving you tips, strategies, and a complete breakdown on how to improve your technique and success with women - first hand. You can listen to this audio RIGHT NOW on your PC or Mac, and you can even use your MP3 player to take the learning and go mobile. Put it on your i-pod!
I'm covering topics each month like how to meet and approach women, how to advance along the dating continuum, how to prepare and present yourself for massive impact, and much more...
The monthly audio series is over 80 minutes of advice and explosive tips, and it's available for download at:
You see, the first 30-60 days of any dating relationship with a woman is THE most volatile, since almost ALL the mistakes are made here. If you last past this point, chances are you'll be able to keep her for as long as you like.
If you've ever found yourself saying, "I don't understand women!" then my e-book and audio coaching will finally give you the knowledge you need to finally understand. It's like getting a book that shows you how a certain magic trick is done that has fascinated you for years. You get to peek behind the scenes and learn how things REALLY work.Carlos Xuma is a dating and seduction advisor, as well as a motivational and life counselor. He's the author of The Dating Black Book, Secrets of the Alpha Man, the Advanced Audio Coaching Series, and too many other articles to mention.
Each week, the Dating Dynamics newsletter gives advice to men across the world on topics related to dating, relationships, and sex. Carlos Xuma helps men get more confidence and success with women ... After all, every man has the right to a healthy dating life. Dating Dynamics provide advice, articles, books, audio, and all the resources a mand needs for success.
Carlos has also been a guest advisor and author on numerous sites and respected dating publications, such as:
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- Don Juan Center
- Dating Newsletter
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