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The Dating Truth for Men
I have a wonderful girlfriend that is smart and sexy and very giving. We have been dating for about a year. I really think I want to marry her. BUT, I am still banging my old girlfriend 3-4 times a month. The old girlfriend is not as hot, not as good in bed and doesn't swallow. My question is:
"Why am I still so attached to the other women, when my current girlfriend is better in every way?"
Oooh, this one is tasty. (No pun intended.) Even though there's not a lot of detail for me to go on here, but I think I can address most of this from what you do tell me. (And, my, such language... Well, dear readers, I publish them as I get them, so you get the raw and the uncooked Truth here. No censoring. :)
You're wondering why you're still attached to other women when you have such a great catch, huh?
Let's break this down:
- Women are, by nature, monogamous. They want just one guy. Sure, they might say they want to date many, but in reality, if you show the right qualities, she's going to want to stick to just ONE man and get rid of any competition. Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution do not get over-ridden by thirty years of 'liberation.' (Please don't mistake my tone for derisive; I am all for female liberation and equality, and especially where it doesn't sacrifice the better parts of our genders in the process.) A woman wants a man who can provide for her, and her children.
- Men are, by nature, polyamorous. (Ooh, big word, dude.) This means that they thrive most when involved with MANY women, ensuring the seeds of their loins are passed on in as many fertile wombs as possible. Okay, that's a bit clinical, but you get the point.
You see, we are first motivated by our biological imperatives. This means that whether or not we attach moral "right-ness" or "wrong-ness" to our actions, there are some basic needs that men and women have that have been pre-programmed into our animal circuitry. Monogamy is a fairly recent invention in the scheme of male-female behaviors.
This doesn't mean that we shouldn't aspire to be "faithful," only that a man's desire for novelty and new-ness often overrides our ability to stay with one person. (Note: Recent surveys have determined that female 'infidelity' is at least as frequent as men's.)
So why are you stepping out on your woman, R? I believe there are many possibilities, and all of them are valid in different situations:
- Your girlfriend is smart and sexy and giving, perhaps, but maybe she is also not CHALLENGING enough to you any more. Some women are too nice for their own good, and they are almost TOO accessible. If she isn't providing enough challenge to your nervous system, you may be reacting subconsciously by taking her for granted. Stepping out then doesn't have anything to do with comparing her to your woman on the side (of lesser quality.) It's says more about what you think about your current girlfriend.
- When a woman is thought of as 'too good' by our subconscious sense of self-esteem, we sometimes do things to justify escape from the relationship. You might be intimidated by her, too, wondering if you can live up to her expectations.
- You just don't have the monogamous gene right now, dude. Some men are just not ready to "settle down" until MUCH much later in life. You might not be able to commit to her one-on-one. There's nothing wrong with you, contrary to what some of the Feminazis might say ("Men are all cheating dogs!"). It's just that you aren't a guy who wants to have to give up all that life has to offer in female accompaniment.
(Note: This is what the other Pundits call "afraid of commitment." Meaning that unless you can commit to her, you're somehow flawed. I don't view it that way. Some guys are just not up to it until much later. It's YOUR
- You're addicted to the thrill of cheating. Hey, admit it, it's a rush to 'get away with' something illicit. It gives you a sneaky feeling of self-gratification. If you're too addicted to this thrill, however, you're going to end up with something of a self-destructive binge, and you'll end up causing more harm than good.
My recommendation is that you seriously analyze what is going on with you and the current girlfriend, and see if this is, in fact, a relationship you want to commit to. If not, you owe it to her to let her know if you are unable to be monogamous with her. Deception is never a part of the Dynamic Man's game when it comes to dating.
You see, I have no problem with men (*or women*) having safe, casual sex with as many people as they desire. Every person has their own standards. But you must handle every dating situation with HONESTY. To not be honest about the situation with the important people in your life is more damaging to your self-esteem in the long run. You sabotage your sense of honor. It takes a toll on your self-confidence when you play the deception game, and it will reflect in your attitude when you approach women. (And sooner or later, she WILL find out. I suggest a pre-emptive strike to put things to
I also have some more advice for the long-term if you're looking to make it work with your current honey, or looking to just increase your overall circulation with the women of the world. THE DATING BLACK BOOK is waiting for you to download at www.datingdynamics.com/ebookstore.htm
I cover the specifics of deciding when to move on and how in the book, also.
Brand new: SUPREME SELF-CONFIDENCE - the E-zine that WILL help you to improve your success (and attitude) with women by addressing any internal confidence issues. This might also help you with taking that pre-emptive strike I mentioned.
By the way ...
For an idea about the kind of "feel-good" nonsense published out there on dating, let me show you an excerpt from an article I spotted on the Internet as I was conducting some research:
'Is it ethically wrong to date more than one woman at once?'
Our answer depends on the reason you are dating. Assuming that you are actively looking for "the one," then we think it's a big mistake to date more than one person at a time.
This isn't an issue of ethics. However, when the goal is marriage, then dating more than one person at a time isn't fair to any of the parties involved, including yourself. It simply isn't possible to divide your focus between two or more women, if you want to give a budding courtship the attention it needs. You can never maximize a potential relationship when you keep thinking, "Is there someone better out there?"
If you meet someone who has "possibilities," the best thing is to concentrate on developing a good courtship with her. If things take off, your energies should be focused on acquiring a giving, sharing and trusting friendship that leads to emotional intimacy.
Even at the beginning of a new courtship, other dates are a difficult distraction. Face it, you won't be able to help comparing one woman to another, instead of trying to learn more about this woman who may turn out to be very special. In addition, when you start to compare, it's easy to highlight the flaws of your "subjects." Of course, nobody is perfect, and every woman you date will have her share of imperfections. You're not going to marry the woman with the fewest imperfections; you'll marry a woman whose positives counterbalance her negatives in a "mix" that is right for you. It's harder to see the whole person when you highlight parts of her persona compared to someone else."
I completely disagree with them. The one thing you absolutely must NOT do is focus your entire attention on one woman, and this kind of fallacy is one of the roadblocks to your success with women. It was my roadblock for many years, I can attest to that. On the surface, advice like this seems reasonable, even wise, but it's potential destruction to your dating posture is LETHAL. This myth has been the downfall of so many "nice guys" that it should be listed as a cause of death to check off on a coroner's report.
It is even MORE important to date many people when you are searching for "the one." (I cover this rationale and other attitudinal principles my
e-book.) Keep in mind that the myth of "the one" is pervasive in today's culture, and you cannot fall prey to this mistake, either. When you decide that you've FOUND someone worth monogamous attention, you should consider that kind of focus, but not initially.
Don't be fooled by traditional logic when it comes to dating, or the usual advice.Carlos Xuma is a dating and seduction advisor, as well as a motivational and life counselor. He's the author of The Dating Black Book, Secrets of the Alpha Man, the Advanced Audio Coaching Series, and too many other articles to mention.
Each week, the Dating Dynamics newsletter gives advice to men across the world on topics related to dating, relationships, and sex. Carlos Xuma helps men get more confidence and success with women ... After all, every man has the right to a healthy dating life. Dating Dynamics provide advice, articles, books, audio, and all the resources a mand needs for success.
Carlos has also been a guest advisor and author on numerous sites and respected dating publications, such as:
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