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This Is Tough Love, Man
I am interested in dating this girl whom has separated from her husband of 2 years (he left). First, a couple of explanations; I did not cause this break up, she is neighbor of my cousin, she also knows me through work, we are in the same field but work at different businesses. This timing is perfect if she would only say yes, but I don't know how much time someone needs after a split up of marriage (which has been rough, from what I hear) and how would I go about asking her out without looking like a piranha waiting for the next meal. We talk from time to time about business or stupid stuff, but never about her personal life. This is someone whom I had a interest in ever since I laid eyes on her and would never forgive myself if never pursued her.
Well, it always comes back to that "special woman," doesn't it? Every guy has a woman he's been infatuated for so long that he'd sell his mother into slavery just to get her.
This, guys, is the power of daydreaming, and how it works against you. By thinking about a woman and fantasizing about her (as every man does about that 'special' one), you create a magical image of a woman, a pure white light of feminine glory that cannot be touched by reality. When you let your mind wander and dwell on her, you create a very wimpy "I'll do whatever it takes to get you - even sacrificing my dignity" attitude that comes across when it comes time to really go and get her.
You wind up so intimidated by her, and so afraid you'll mess this one up, that you end up coming across as too nice and too gentle. It's no wonder most women end up saying, "Gee, I wonder if we just can't stay friends!"
I would actually recommend you do not go after this woman quite yet. Especially if you'd like to stand a chance at anything more than grief-sex with her. (Because, quite frankly, that's all you'll get right now - and only if you're lucky enough to be over at her house when she has her moment of weakness.) She'll be looking to shore up her devastated sense of self-esteem from this marriage, and I can guarantee you that she won't be ready for a new guy. She needs to HEAL.
Now, two years isn't that long, but it all depends on how she approached the marriage.
PLUS, he dumped her. Not good. She's a wreck. She won't be dating material for at least 6 months AFTER the divorce is done, much less while she's only separated. (Which I hope you realize means she's really still married.)
Okay, so you really want to get her?
Will you do what it takes, even if it goes contrary to what you may have formulated in your head as the perfect "I'll sweep her off her feet" plan? Will you do what you MUST do, not what you WANT to do?
Here's what you do:
1) Go out and meet at least ten different women in the next couple weeks. BEFORE you even think about going after this woman. Date them. Get your dating life in balance and your attitude on straight before you do anything.
2) Stop caring what it "looks like." It only looks that way to you, because you're intimidated by her. Get over it. You're not a piranha.
3) Start contacting her OCCASIONALLY, but don't go asking her if she needs a shoulder to cry on, or tell her if she ever needs to "just talk" you're there for her. I'm sure she has a support structure with her family and female friends. I know you said you don't talk to her about "personal stuff" and that's great, but she'll eventually get around to pulling you into her dark whirlpool of sadness and despair. You'd just wind up sitting on the couch watching bad chick flicks while she cries over her loss.
4) Treat her like any other woman you would like to date: You tease her and have a little fun with her, and you NEVER let her feel that bland, neutral sensation that you are just another "friend." Get her sexual attraction in gear. Show her some indifference and a lot of seductive, charming ATTITUDE. You're going to have to risk not having her if you want to have her.
5) Get out there and date some more, and get this woman out of your mind. She's going to be damaged goods for quite a while. You may score some sex in there by just hanging around and being there at the right time and the right emotional dip, but it's not what you want to have happen if you want a lasting relationship with her later on. (Not to mention what a whipped puppy you'd have to be to lurking around to catch her at a weak moment.) Let her get her rebound out of her system with SOMEONE ELSE, as painful as it may seem to you to see it happen. Trust me, any relationship she has in the next few months won't last. She might even be holding out some hope of reconciliation.
What you see is opportunity in her husband's departure, but it's the wrong timing. You'd only be a rebound for her, IF even that.
Whatever you do, if I hear that you sat her down and told her your "true feelings" for her in a desperate bid to step into her soon-to-be-ex's shoes, I'll come over there and make you watch "Top Gun" or "The Breakfast Club" a couple times so you can see what attitude women are really attracted to. (Yeah, that's right... "The Breakfast Club" shows you the "attitude.")
Sorry to be so harsh...
No, wait a second. I'm not sorry.
This is tough-love, man.
You can take it.
And, while you're at it, you need to find that zone and attitude that will tell her (by actions and words) that you're a man she needs to have in her life. You do this by maintaining a hot and healthy dating life.
There are so many mistakes to be made in the dating world, and most of these mistakes YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW THAT YOU'RE MAKING. Until it's too late.
You take Kute Krista to dinner and a movie, thinking you'll go for the kiss and then ... she hugs you and tells you "I just want to go really slow. I'm not ready for a relationship." And she goes home right after the movie after telling you what a great guy you are. You're left standing in front of the theater with a much lighter wallet and a case of Dry-Crotch as you wonder where you lost her. How did this happen?
I've spent years dating women, analyzing and breaking down what was happening, and discovering that there is a key DYNAMIC between men and women. There are specific behaviors you can use that will increase your success in meeting and dating women a hundred times more than what they are now. They're all simple to learn, and they don't involve a special hypnotic code word.
Some of the things you'll learn in The Dating Black Book:
* High-performing men and their qualities
* Overcome the de-motivators in meeting women and increase your success ratio
* From crippling behaviors to success
* Developing both your Inner Game and External Game
* Recognize the Loser's Psychology and avoid his evil power
* The one secret source of all your dating pain, and how to stop it from affecting you
* Dispel your "Male Guilt" and turn it into power
* What "Challenge" really is, and how to use it
* The Three Essential Dating Traits - and how to develop them for yourself
* The Two Desire Factors a woman must have for you, and how to build them
* Overcome the toughest hurdle in meeting women - getting her phone number
* Reverse the Downward Spiral
* Triple your success with the D.O.W. Principle
* The Confidence Treadmill - the secret to developing your Self-confidence
* The critical behaviors of successful men, as well as the critical self-destruct mechanisms
* Male role models â?" what and how to observe and learn from them
* Stop throwing money away on "low-rank" prospects
* Develop a complete dating strategy, including your Objective Desire Plan
* Online Dating and how to use it
* Problem women - recognize the specific types
* The Program Woman - how to spot her and handle
* Avoid the top dating mistakes
* Power Points - Tally your strengths for maximum benefit
* Secrets behind the Myths of the Nice Guy, the Jerk, the Natural
* Understand "compatibility"
* The Principle of Truth, and how it will increase your success with women
* The Dating Continuum explained - the architecture of relationships, from start to end
* Where to meet women (for real)
* The right things to say to women (with examples at each stage)
* Maintain your posture and command respect
* Attitude adjusters - Keep your mind on track
* How to handle arguments, and what is happening beneath the surface
* Talk to women, without having to memorize scripts or hokey seduction patterns
* The psychology of dating: What women want
* What women really mean when they say "...."
* Female tests and traps
* The secrets of dating persuasion
* Kinesthetics - exactly where, when, and how to touch her
* How to Really Please Her In the Bedroom!
Every guy has a woman he's been infatuated for so long that he'd sell his mother into slavery just to get her.
Download my books, read them, review the strategies, and put it to work for you right away. If you don't feel that it's the incredible, insightful, and invaluable tool I've made it out to be, you can simply ask for a refund.
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Here's the complete catalog of what we offer...
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The monthly audio series is over 100 minutes of advice and explosive tips, and it's available for download at: www.datingdynamics.com/audioprog.htm
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Thanks...Carlos Xuma is a dating and seduction advisor, as well as a motivational and life counselor. He's the author of The Dating Black Book, Secrets of the Alpha Man, the Advanced Audio Coaching Series, and too many other articles to mention.
Each week, the Dating Dynamics newsletter gives advice to men across the world on topics related to dating, relationships, and sex. Carlos Xuma helps men get more confidence and success with women ... After all, every man has the right to a healthy dating life. Dating Dynamics provide advice, articles, books, audio, and all the resources a mand needs for success.
Carlos has also been a guest advisor and author on numerous sites and respected dating publications, such as:
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- Don Juan Center
- Dating Newsletter
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