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Valentine's Day Is Here Again
Do you find that bloody depressing, or motivating and exciting?
I want everyone out there to remember that this situation is entirely under YOUR control.
WOMEN are not the source of your feast or your famine.
It's easy to allow yourself to believe that your love life is under the control of "destiny" or some other vehicle of fate, because that allows us to cop out when we need to.
Hey, look, we've all done it. I STILL do it once in a while.
It feels a lot better to believe that it's not my fault.
Here's a little quiz:
SITUATION: You're in a bar or at a friend's party, and you see a hot woman that you'd like to meet.
A) You walk over and comfortably start a conversation. She is put at ease, and you eventually get her number and a meeting setup the following week.
B) You walk over and uncomfortably try to start a conversation; she gets uneasy after a while and those dreaded uncomfortable silences creep in. She eventually tells you she has to get back to her friends and walks away.
C) You stay in your chair and find the reasons that she wouldn't be right for you, never taking the risk of connecting with her.
B and C are what happens most of the time to most guys. And it reinforces your inertia the next time you get an opportunity to meet a woman. Do this enough times and you get trapped in what I call the "Downward Spiral."
It's like stage fright. Have you ever had to do something in front of people and find yourself with a serious case of nerves? You're shaking for hours (if not days) before the event. I used to really HATE having to make a presentation. My legs would get really shaky, and my stomach would knot up.
It's unnerving to do these new and different things, but you have to remember that you'll have "butterflies" in your stomach until you get the hang of it. The trick is to get your butterflies to fly IN FORMATION. Make that energy work FOR you, not against you.
You see, once you learn enough about how this game works, you'll feel a new sense of confidence. The nervousness will still be there for a little bit, until you get the hang of engaging in conversation and saying the things that have the right affect on a woman. But now it will give you POWER, not FEAR.
EVERYTHING you've done in your life was new and scary at one point.
Even WALKING was a challenge for you. I remember watching my sister try, using the coffee table as a crutch. She'd wobble and fall, and then keep trying it until she got it. Even if it meant a few dings on her forehead from falling.
We kept trying because we didn't care about what other people thought. We just knew we had to succeed.
What happens to a lot of people is that they will turn down one of two paths in their lives:
PATH 1: They stop risking and trying, because that means that they MIGHT fail. They get addicted to protecting their Bubble of Comfort. They will usually find a way to avoid looking at it this way, though. They prefer to justify their failure in advance (i.e., never act because they already know what would happen), thus "saving" themselves the pain. Instead, they "save" themselves from success and a better life. They become terminally AVERAGE.
PATH 2: They keep risking and learning and growing. They begin to understand that if you're NOT failing in life regularly, you're NOT GROWING at all. They get a taste of the rewards of perseverance and learn one of life's most unknown secrets: The best prizes in life are just an inch past your highest level of reluctance.
If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are afraid to act, ask yourself this one question:
WHAT IS THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Then imagine it happening, and ACCEPT IT. Completely accept it and the consequences. Is it really THAT bad?
Once you do that, you'll find that taking action is EASY.
Valentine's Day doesn't have to be lonely or depressing ever again. I'll tell you more later in the newsletter.
On to the questions .... we have something different for you this week...
QUESTION FROM A WOMAN:
On New Year's Eve I went to a cabaret and ran into a guy I knew from my party days twenty years ago. He was still fun, nice and very attractive. We danced all night---he practically deserted the people he came with.
We exchanged e-mails and he arranged to come to my city for a few days (he lives 1-1/2 hours away). I assumed it was to visit his parents and friends, but he said it was to see me. I cooked supper and after I put my daughter (7) to bed, we sat and talked until three in the morning. I had a lot of fun, we did some computer stuff, listened to music, and caught up on 20 years. We spent most of the evening on my couch which is actually a love seat, so we were pretty close.
He held my hand while we talked and I found myself wishing he would make a real move. But nothing. I considered making a move myself but my gut intuition said to take it easy. I finally said that I had to get some sleep but did he want to meet for lunch the next day, which we did. Again, a nice time and we wandered around until I had to go pick up my daughter.
Since then we have e-mailed and talked on the phone a couple times but that is it. I have issued a couple casual invitations such as 'a bunch of us are going out to see this band that you like, why don't you come if you're going to be in town?'
It is mostly me keeping the connection going, trying to keep it friendly and easy. He has never given me a straight answer as to his work schedule so I get the impression he doesn't want me to have any expectations about getting together again.
At his suggestion, (made New Year's Eve) some friends and I are going to catch an out-of-town blues show in a few weeks; he will be there too, with his friends. He suggested we book a hotel room but I said that our Designated Driver insists on driving home that night, so no room for us.
Who knows, maybe things will move to another level that night, but drunken s*e-x, especially first-time, is not something I am interested in. This guy is very good-looking and I get the impression he has been hurt in previous relationships, so this may have something to do with it. He said he really likes kids and is sorry he never had any of his own, so I don't think he would consider my daughter to be a liability.
I wanted to use this letter as an illustration to both men and women out there (yes, I know you're secretly reading these newsletters, ladies. I won't tell. Just let me know when you're going to be in the San Francisco Bay area and we'll discuss it in private.)
Even good looking guys ignore the obvious and screw things up for themselves on occasion. Then I have to get involved. Duty calls.
Well, one of the curious things about the strategies and methods I teach is that they will work for WOMEN as well as men. We're both driven by similar needs when it comes to dating.
I believe there's interest from that guy you want, but he's one of the unlucky men I haven't reached with my message and e-book yet. He's probably one of the guys who has been shamed or scared into a passive role by a combination of incorrect learning and media/feminista propaganda.
And, if I can be so bold as to point out a few things:
1) Take note that the woman will wait for the man to initiate. It's OUR job, guys. She wanted him to bust a move, and he just waited in wimp mode.
2) Notice how Amy's interest waned to where she had to cut it off and tell him she needed to go get some sleep. His opportunity waited and waited, and eventually expired.
Now, I'd guess that this guy may have some traumatic experience in his past. Your intuition is probably right. Men are often disabled in their ability to act because of imagined hurt from the past carrying over into the present.
And I'll bet that you're sticking with this so far because he's been a real CHALLENGE, and not just jumping all over you.
Back to the solution:
If he calls you, ignore a call or two and see what happens. Tell him you were "just out" if he asks where you were. Be a little coy, but give him reason to worry.
Remember that the strategies I teach will work for you, too. I suggest you start getting playful with him and teasing him lightly. He'll start to respond to your challenge in one way or another. If he backs off, you wouldn't want to hang with him in any serious way. If he responds, he's probably just in need of some dramatic tension to start things off.
Flirt with other guys, and then come back to flirt with him to see how he reacts. Again, if he backs off, he's not the guy you want, except for a "passing fancy."
I suggest you bust a few moves of your own, one that won't make you feel like the aggressor.
Get more into his physical space. Arrange it so he will have to bump into you or pass uncomfortably close. Put your hand on his arm or leg once or twice to see how he reacts.
Drop a few sexually suggestive hints of your own, but be playful about it. Bring up erotically charged topics. "So what did you think of Janet Jackson's boob on the halftime show?"
You may have to push this one way or the other by being assertive. Just ask him, "What are you waiting for?"
One thing is for sure. If this guy doesn't do something soon, you're going to put him in the "Let's just be friends" bin (or you ought to), because you know deep inside that it wouldn't last if he can't get the "man-up."
The tingly passion of challenge can rapidly turn to boredom if a man doesn't take action when he needs to.
Don't wait for your opportunity to expire, guys. She's only waiting for you to DO something.
I've got a question regarding ending a short term relationship:
In the past half year, most of the girls I have dated have fallen in love with me and wanted to lock me up into a relationship. Proof enough, the Dating Dynamics work, however I found myself pulling away constantly until it no longer worked out and I broke up the relationship completely.
In addition to what you say in the Black Book: What do you recommend to end a (short-term) relationship? How would you set up the "break up discussion"? What are the right words etc.? Please advise.
You see what happens? You use these strategies and you wind up with women falling in love with you.
And isn't it COOL?!?
I know there are a thousand guys out there sympathetic to your situation... It's just gotta suck having women falling all over you.
I just had one of those "discussions" you refer to, and this is how I handled it:
- Set it up during the day - lunchtime - to meet for a few minutes. This way the meeting CANNOT go on forever. You have to get back to work. And, you'll be distracted right away, less tempted to brood and think about it too much. Same for her.
- Don't listen to the advice that say to do it in a restaurant or other public place. There's a high probability she will cry, and if that makes you uncomfortable, you need to find a better place. I suggest outside, somewhere on a bench or semi-private location where people are not sitting next to you, but just walking by. Just don't do it at one of your homes (and NEVER in the bedroom.)
- Be gentle, and NEVER make it her fault. Just say: "You know, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what it is I want, and I just don't think I'm the right guy for you. I don't want to be unfair to you and your search for the right person. You know what I mean? I'd rather not have either one of us get hurt." You can even add on: "I really don't want to date just one person right now, and that wouldn't be fair to you."
(Be especially careful to sound sincere when you say this, otherwise she could take it as weasling.)
Women are very often insecure about these situations, and you'll want to make sure to NEVER make it her fault. She'll even want to know "what's wrong with her." Don't take the bait. What will just end up happening is that she will start to get critical of you if you get critical of her. It's too late for any "honesty." Just wrap it up and move on nicely.
Many times, nothing you say will stop her from reacting badly or angrily to this. Just be prepared to sit it out and even just repeat: "I'm sorry" until she gets over it. She will react first and then think and calm down later.
Remember that these ladies are probably falling for you because of certain expectations placed up front. There is a way to present your situation to her so that you can date as many women as you like.
BEWARE the propaganda out there that tells you this is WRONG. There is NOTHING wrong with dating several people, as long as you are up-front about your intentions.
In fact, as you guys know, it is absolutely necessary to date as many women as you can if you are searching for something a little more long-term. (It's ironic, but true.)
There are many skills to the dating game, and unfortunately you do have to know how to diplomatically end things as well. (I consider this a GOOD problem to have, though.)
There are so many other skills to work and develop as well.
Wouldn't you like to develop your fine sense of interpretation with women?
Wouldn't you like to know:
... when a woman is playing you or really interested?
... how to interpret her body language? And how do you best present your own? ... how to meet more hot women? ... how do you get them attracted to you?
These were questions I wanted answers to for YEARS, and I finally decided that I was going to get them. I started reading all the books in the bookstore on the topic. When I realized they didn't have the information I needed, I started looking for books that talked about pickups and techniques and the "taboo" information that you couldn't find anywhere else. (I started this before there was an Internet, but not TOO long before. :)
When I got as much as I could find (and that wasn't a lot) I started trying things and experimenting. I got rejected and blasted, and occasionally I also got LAID. I watched why people did things and noticed how they influenced how other people perceived them.
I wrote the book on this (literally and figuratively) and now I want you guys to reap the benefits. I have spent YEARS and YEARS out there getting battered, deep-fried, and served up as a meal ticket in the world of dating, and there's no reason why you should have to.
Really, do you want to go through 2004 without this powerful knowledge? Do you want ANOTHER year of confusion and poor results to stop you from getting what you deserve?
I've talked to guys the world over who have made a REAL difference in their lives by taking the first step on the right path - learning. Once you understand, your world opens up.
"Thank you, Carlos, for putting the Dating Black Book together.... Instead of promising supersonic seduction with canned speeches, you tell it like it is so you can get results by being yourself Ë† thank you... I have spent hundreds of dollars on other 'information' and yours covers the most topics ... no theory-only B.S. here.
"It would take you hundreds of hours, thousands of dollars and lots of heartache to figure out what Carlos has done for you. If you have ever wondered why the jerks get all the girls - you need this book." C -
The top-down strategies are EXACTLY what the Dating Dynamics e-book (and audio series) will teach you. Not only do you learn what the subtle psychological aspects are, but how you can AMPLIFY these "ALPHA MAN" traits so that you are able to draw in the women that you want. The only magic you have to add to this equation is the attitude to take action.
Are you tired of finding women that seem to be interested, and then they seem to get distant and all you get is a peck on the cheek and a "let's just be friends"?
Do you want to take the woman that you've lost and get her interested again? Do you want to make sure you handle it RIGHT, from the start?
Get understanding so that you can make 2004 the year you took care of yourself and started being REALLY successful with women.
Life is a LOT shorter than you think.
Ask yourself: Do you want to wind up in your rocking chair whining about all the things you SHOULD have done?
Seize this opportunity. It's time to start WINNING.
And the advanced audio series is also finally ready to help you build on that knowledge and take your success to the extreme.
Imagine having a coach giving you tips, strategies, and a complete breakdown on how to improve your technique and success with women - first hand. You can listen to this audio RIGHT NOW on your PC or Mac, and you can even use your MP3 player to take the learning and go mobile. Put it on your i-pod!
I'm covering topics each month like how to meet and approach women, how to advance along the dating continuum, how to prepare and present yourself for massive impact, and much more...
The monthly audio series is over 80 minutes of advice and explosive tips, and it's available for download at:
You see, the first 30-60 days of any dating relationship with a woman is THE most volatile, since almost ALL the mistakes are made here. If you last past this point, chances are you'll be able to keep her for as long as you like.
If you've ever found yourself saying, "I don't understand women!" then my e-book and audio coaching will finally give you the knowledge you need to finally understand. It's like getting a book that shows you how a certain magic trick is done that has fascinated you for years. You get to peek behind the scenes and learn how things REALLY work.Carlos Xuma is a dating and seduction advisor, as well as a motivational and life counselor. He's the author of The Dating Black Book, Secrets of the Alpha Man, the Advanced Audio Coaching Series, and too many other articles to mention.
Each week, the Dating Dynamics newsletter gives advice to men across the world on topics related to dating, relationships, and sex. Carlos Xuma helps men get more confidence and success with women ... After all, every man has the right to a healthy dating life. Dating Dynamics provide advice, articles, books, audio, and all the resources a mand needs for success.
Carlos has also been a guest advisor and author on numerous sites and respected dating publications, such as:
- Maxim Radio
- Utopia Radio
- Bikini Hangout
- Seduction Insider
- Don Juan Center
- Dating Newsletter
- Single Again
- Cliff's List
- Dating Class
- The Dating Insider Book
- Man Mindset
- Summum Magazine
- Savvy Insider - the art of single living
- Carlos Xuma
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