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Where's The Courage?
I am reading the Dating Black Book and I came to a part where it says that there is no cure for asking girls out. You just have to 'do it'. Well, the problem is that I don't have the courage to 'do it'.
Well, the Nike slogan is a little simplistic, but once you understand what is really holding you back, the "just do it" advice is more helpful than you might assume.
(And there's a lot more on this topic in the e-book. I gave you more than "just do it." Go back and review pages 78-83... There's a lot of gold in those key principles. You should also consider less intimidating methods like online dating.)
Let's start by establishing right now what it is that stops you from acting:
WHAT YOU ARE THINKING.
... because of these two reasons:
1) Imagining horrible consequences that DO NOT EXIST
2) Not planning and preparing so that you can feel confident in that situation and act anyway
There is nothing different about a man that walks up to a woman and talks to her than the one that doesn't, other than what he is THINKING beforehand. There is no special "talk to women" gene, or any gift he has that another cannot develop. Arguing to the contrary is a major COP OUT that will kill your success with women.
Now, for the sake of understanding this phenomenon in men, here's what's going on in the brain of the guy who can't find the courage:
- Women are scary. They are somehow different. I have to treat them like strange aliens.
- My value as a man is at stake here.
- I'm not secure enough in my own value to believe that I have enough to offer a woman. Why would she want to talk to ME?
- If she rejects me, I'll be in incredible pain.
Here's what the guy is thinking that DOES approach women and talk to them:
- I'm valuable.
- I'm not scared. There's no reason to be. She's not better than me.
- What's the worst thing that can happen? She's not interested? Big deal, there's more fish in the sea. And if I don't try to meet her, she STILL won't be interested. I lose both ways.
- There's no way I can let a gal like that get away without experiencing the joy of having someone like me in her life. She'd never forgive me if she found out I didn't give her that chance.
I don't mean to beat the self-esteem horse to death here, but the reality is that if a man believes - wholeheartedly - in his value and his power, he fears no man, woman, child, or small furry mammal.
AND - the man who does not believe in himself is actually believing in SOMETHING besides himself, like:
- A woman's opinion of me is more important than my own.
- Woman have a secret power and are mysterious sacred beings that only the most gifted men can attract and bed.
Etc. The list goes on and on.
You can't be intimidated by a person unless you believe that their opinion about you is somehow more important or valuable about you than your own.
You may even think that everything I've been saying here is a bunch of "mind tricks." In reality, there are no "tricks." Only methods of showing you how the man who is successful thinks versus ... well, the other kind of guy.
What are YOU thinking when you see a woman you want to talk to?
Here's a clue:
If you're thinking AT ALL (i.e., not just "doing it" - walking up to her) YOU ARE THINKING TOO MUCH!
Don't give your mind the chance to talk you out of it. Remember, that Loserboy voice hangs out in your head, just waiting to sabotage you.
That is why you act in the three second rule. If you don't already know what you're going to do to walk up to a woman as soon as you see her, you haven't prepared enough, and there's nothing new you're going to figure out while you're sitting there spinning on your bar stool working up the courage. (Other than how to talk yourself out of it!)
Take a few minutes right now to come up with a few opening topics (not "lines"). Things like, "Hey, I'm looking for a woman's opinion on something. My friend is trying to meet his next girlfriend. Where do you think he should go?"
That's simple, cute, and almost guarantees a chat with a woman. Sit down for a few minutes right now ... Let me say that again... R I G H T N O W!!!! and plan out a couple introductions like that. Memorize them. Then you need never worry about what you're going to do EVER AGAIN.
Part of the reason you're "working up courage" is because you've got no idea what you're going to do. If you did, you could just mindlessly fall back on that plan and ... uh... Just Do It.
I can promise you this:
She won't dump her drink in your face.
She won't slap you.
She won't tell all her friends about you and laugh hysterically.
(If one of the next 100 women you talk to does any of these things, I'll refund you the cost of this newsletter...)
In fact, the worst I EVER experience is a slight frigid behavior that tells you to move on. So move on. Nothing lost. (Except a rude woman who isn't interested.)
Remember: Don't place your validation in her hands. She isn't qualified for that job. Only YOU are.
Get to the point where you understand everything I said there, not just at a LOGICAL level but at an EMOTIONAL level. Where it hits you in the gut and makes you pace your apartment in utter revelatory disbelief. When it does hit, you'll be changed for good. And for the better.
It's easy to look at the other guys out there who can just walk up and talk to women with no problem as somehow "gifted." They seem almost granted a mystical power that the ordinary guy can't relate to.
How do they DO it?
It's not magic, or a special power. In fact, once you understand the workings of women enough, it's really pretty simple. You'll wonder why in the world you were so intimidated.
A detailed analysis in an upcoming session of the Dating Coaching, including de-sensitization therapy and other methods for overcoming this challenge. Hopefully this will get you started and over the hump.
Wouldn't it be great to understand what's going on so that - at the very LEAST - you could avoid feeling "played" or manipulated in the future...?
That's exactly what my e-books will teach you. Not only do you learn what the subtle psychological aspects are, but how you can amplify these "Alpha Man" traits so that you are able to draw in the women that you want. The only magic you have to add to this equation is the attitude to take action.
Every guy that behaves according to the information I teach is more successful than they were before, and most of them become MASSIVELY successful.
Which leads me to this: You know that women are getting more and more picky about men, and they can sniff out inferior guys with just a whiff of your confidence. And to stand out you MUST have the edge on the other guys out there. You need to be a REAL MAN, not this sissie-fied cartoon man that the media and evening television sells you.
My e-book gives you the information and skills to get the women YOU want. Not SETTLE FOR.
You've GOT to be an Alpha Man.
Look, there are so many things you have to have down pat in the singles world. Like, how do you NOT screw it up in those vital first couple minutes of meeting a woman?
You've heard me say this before: Getting laid is not about getting "lucky."
It's about having the right knowledge and understanding up front. Women are actually WAITING for men to date and sleep with, if you'll just give them the right reasons WHY they should be with YOU. It's deliberate and on-purpose, not subject to the whims of chance and fate.
BE the kind of man they are waiting for. That's all they ask of you.
I've worked for years to break down what it is that women are trying to tell you with their behavior, and finding out the hard way why being a "nice guy" is dooming you to failure.
You have to get this knowledge and understanding, or you may risk never being able to turn your game around.
When you have that knowledge, you can make better choices and demonstrate better behaviors.
When you demonstrate better behavior, you will get better RESULTS.
My e-book -THE DATING BLACK BOOK- will help you get all of that ... and then some.
Just remember: Every man is self-made, but only the SUCCESSFUL admit it.
Where do you go for the information you need?
THE DATING BLACK BOOK has the complete breakdown of the dating scene, and it's ready for download right now, no matter where you are or what time it is in the world.
And the advanced audio series is also finally ready to help you build on that knowledge and take your success to the extreme.
Imagine having a coach giving you tips, strategies, and a complete breakdown on how to improve your technique and success with women - first hand. You can listen to this audio RIGHT NOW on your PC or Mac, and you can even use your MP3 player to take the learning and go mobile. Put it on your i-pod!
I'm covering topics each month like how to meet and approach women, how to advance along the dating continuum, how to prepare and present yourself for massive impact, and much more...
The monthly audio series is over 80 minutes of advice and explosive tips, and it's available for download at:
You see, the first 30-60 days of any dating relationship with a woman is THE most volatile, since almost ALL the mistakes are made here. If you last past this point, chances are you'll be able to keep her for as long as you like.
If you've ever found yourself saying, "I don't understand women!" then my e-book and audio coaching will finally give you the knowledge you need to finally understand. It's like getting a book that shows you how a certain magic trick is done that has fascinated you for years. You get to peek behind the scenes and learn how things REALLY work.Carlos Xuma is a dating and seduction advisor, as well as a motivational and life counselor. He's the author of The Dating Black Book, Secrets of the Alpha Man, the Advanced Audio Coaching Series, and too many other articles to mention.
Each week, the Dating Dynamics newsletter gives advice to men across the world on topics related to dating, relationships, and sex. Carlos Xuma helps men get more confidence and success with women ... After all, every man has the right to a healthy dating life. Dating Dynamics provide advice, articles, books, audio, and all the resources a mand needs for success.
Carlos has also been a guest advisor and author on numerous sites and respected dating publications, such as:
- Maxim Radio
- Utopia Radio
- Bikini Hangout
- Seduction Insider
- Don Juan Center
- Dating Newsletter
- Single Again
- Cliff's List
- Dating Class
- The Dating Insider Book
- Man Mindset
- Summum Magazine
- Savvy Insider - the art of single living
- Carlos Xuma
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