Dr. Dennis W. Neder - Building Experience From Inexperience

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Building Experience From Inexperience

Hello.

I'm 28 years old and I've been with my husband for 10 years. We were very young when we got married and my husband had very little dating experience before we met. He is a great guy, but he has a hard time reading body language and sometimes misses the point even when I'm being blunt with him. He can also be very sensitive, so I don't want to offend him or hurt his feelings.

My main complaint is when we are intimate (aside from the fact that he can't tell what I enjoy or don't enjoy even if I tell him) is that he's a terrible kisser. I would love to improve his kissing technique, but don't know how to approach it without hurting him or making him feel guilty for 10 years of unsatisfying kisses. I know I should have dealt with this long ago.

Improving our kissing would vastly improve our physical relationship. Is there some way to teach him without emasculating him? What would you advise?
I'd like a male point of view on this.

Thanks!

Hello!

I�m not surprised to hear that you're having communication issues. This is extremely common as people tend to choose their partners at least partially for this opposite style. In fact, opposites really do attract.

The most common communication scenario is where you have a "direct-speaking" man and an "implication-speaking" woman. Thus, I'll assume that's your case. What may seem like specific language to you would be totally lost on your husband. Let me give you an example:

When you were young, I'll bet your mother would say to you, "I wish your room were clean" meaning to you that you'd better go clean your room. She was much less likely to say "Go clean your room" unless she was angry with you and wanted to emphasize it by being so specific.

Your husband probably never heard his mother use this "communication style" and in fact, if he did, he'd interpret it more like, a strong wish on the part of his mother! His response would likely be, "Then, by all means, please - go clean it!"

So much in male/female communications hovers around these sorts of misunderstandings. However, by simply realizing this fact, you can go very far to correcting them. I recommend that you visit my website and read an article about this very subject: "How to Get A Man to Answer Relationship Questions" (http://www.beingaman.com/articleviewer.asp?ID=116) for a better idea on how all this works.

With regards to kissing and sexual issues, I agree that after 10 years, you really should have all this worked out! What aspect of your relationship is more important than this? For the simple lack of communication skills, you've effectively wasted 10 years. Where do you think you'd be now if you'd have handled this early-on?

What I suggest is this: one day or evening in the near future when you're both feeling calm, quiet and close, (don't do this for instance while he's watching TV or doing something in the yard), just ask him if he's getting everything he could imagine from his relationship with you. Then, ask a few probing questions, (see the above-referenced article). Get into this and view it as a relationship-building exercise.

After you've talked to him for awhile and made a few discoveries of your own, you can then get into your own issues. But, do this with the attitude of continuing to build your relationship - not with what he's doing wrong. This is a process, not a single event. You can say, "Can I show you how I'd like you to kiss me?" Then, show him. You can even make a game out of it. Play-reward him when he does it right, and show him what is wrong.

This isn't going to fix everything overnight, but you may find that with a little practice things get much better very quickly.

Best regards...

Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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