Dr. Dennis W. Neder - How Do I Know?

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Hello,

I recently got back into the dating scene, and have met interesting people.
One guy in particular caught my attention. The problem is that during the first month we would speak constantly and had great chemistry. Neither of us made any plans to go out, because we wanted to take it slow. When we finally made plans something always came up on either part. The 2nd month everything started to die off, but now things are starting to pick up, not how I would like. He calls me to tell me about his week and to ask about my projects, and suddenly I won't hear from him for weeks, then calls on the weekends past 10:30pm. We usually meet up and seem to be are attracted to each other but I'm afraid he might only want one thing. How do I know? I am so new to this!

P.S. We are both in our 20's and both of us got out of long term relationships I have also stopped calling, but when he calls I don't act bitter.

Thanks

Hello!

Man! Do I see this disaster-in-the-making a lot or what?

So, you "both" decided on "taking it slow", eh? Frankly, I'll bet that you told him you wanted to take it slow, and he simply agreed out of fear that he'd lose you. That is absolutely in the "top 10 stupid dating ideas" if ever there were stupid dating ideas! What exactly do you think you gain by taking it slow, or taking it fast or taking it anyway but how the relationship itself is just supposed to progress?

Answer: nothing.

Ok, now let's get something else cleared up here: yes, he absolutely wants to have sex with you. There, I said it. Pretty earth-shattering, isn't it? Did the lights blink on and off at your house when you read that? It's so amazing to almost be unbelievable!

Leslie, take a deep breath and let's get past all the fear and anxiety here. This isn't brain surgery, and nobody's going to die. It's just dating, that's all. You (NOT him) get to decide if and when you have sex. You might have all sorts of reasons why you don't want to sleep with him right away from being afraid of looking like a slut to feeling used to something in your past; but again, you get to decide when it's right for you. However, consider that he gets to decide when he's waited long enough and therein lies the trade off.

By trying to "take it slow" you're in effect, trying to manipulate both him and this situation to last as long as you want it to last until you decide that you want more - or to break it off if you don't. In effect, you want to keep him on the line until YOU get or don't get whatever you want; if you ever figure that out. Isn't that really the same thing as him wanted sex with you?

Answer: yes, it is.

Let me give you a slightly different way of looking at dating. It requires you to do some work up front, but it'll make your life dramatically easier. Here's what you should do:

1) Sit down and figure out what you really want from your dating/relationship life. Is it just to date a lot of guys? Is it to find a "soul mate"? Is it to have lots of experiences, or just have fun? Whatever your goals, you have to be absolutely specific here. Start by looking at how your life will be when you find exactly what you want. Use that model to work backwards and decide what traits you need in a man in order to have that.

2) As you meet guys, determine how they fit your model. If they don't fit, you don't have to waste your time (or theirs) and can simply move on. If they do fit, then find out what their model is, and see if you fit it. If so, start getting to know each other better and see how it works.

Obviously, this requires you to have some goals, but it will definitely help you avoid situations like this one. The final point to make is this: do you think this guy fits your goals? It doesn't seem like it from what you've said. It might be time to move on and find someone that does.

Best regards...

Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.