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Filters of Insecurity
Today I have a question for you.
Have you ever been in a situation where you were talking with somebody and you took something they said the wrong way? In other words, you misinterpreted their meaning and got upset, only to find out later that it was all in your head?
An example: guy 1 says to guy 2, "Wow, looks like you got the short end of the stick on that one!'
Guy 2 has some issues and insecurities about his height, and he responds, "What do you mean, short end? What are you saying, I'm short? Who cares, why do you have to be such a jerk?!"
Guy 1 is left scratching his head and explaining that, no, that's not what he meant, he was just saying blah blah blah...
That's just the first example off the top of my head, but I think everybody has had one of these experiences at one time or another.
I know I have... and looking back, they've comprised some of the most embarrassing, red-in-the-face moments of my life.
Why are they so embarrassing? Think about it: when you misunderstand what someone says as a personal attack, it serves to highlight, boldface and underline your insecurities for everyone around. If you hadn't said anything, nobody would have thought twice.
When something like this happens, it's the result of something we call "filters of insecurity". Everyone has these to one degree or another, they are like tinted glasses inside our heads that color everything we perceive.
I'll give you another example.
Let's say that a person of high self-esteem and a person of low self-esteem are given the same compliment, "Nice jacket, that's cool."
Now, the person wth high self-esteem is likely to graciously accept the compliment and move on. "Thanks, man."
But the person with low self-esteem might interpret the remark as sarcastic or condescending. His internal filters of insecurity about his appearance actually change the way he hears things and transform this innocent compliment into a snide dig about his lame jacket.
Do you see the difference?
Now, let's imagine that these same two people are on the receiving end of an INSULT. "Hey man, nice hair, looks like you got electrocuted!"
The guy with low self-esteem will be crushed. His internal state will be broken, and he may even respond with a choice insult of his own, or some sort of expletive.
The guy with high self-esteem, however, might interpret it as a JOKE. "Haaa! That's pretty funny, dude, you're hilarious... electrocuted, listen to this guy hahahaaa!" See, not only is he free of filters of insecurity, he has filters of CONFIDENCE which proactively defend him against attacks like this.
The point is this: because the high self-esteem guy interpreted the insult as a JOKE, it BECOMES a joke, not only to him but to everyone around him. Same with the low self-esteem guy's reaction to the compliment.
The INTEPRETATION becomes the MEANING, for all intents and purposes. Perception is reality.
This is related to a concept I've talked about in this newsletter before, the concept of FRAME CONTROL. Your frame is the way you perceive things to be in any given situation. In any social interaction, the strongest frame "wins", and the others are sucked into it.
Think of how you would behave if a cop came up to you with his hand on his gun, and started asking you a bunch of questions. You would probably choose your words carefully, adjust your posture to be non-threatening, and refer to him as "sir" or "officer". You might not be able to hold eye contact as long as you would with another person.
Now, imagine if a ten year old kid came up and started asking you the same questions. It's unlikely that you would even give much thought to how you responded. It's even less likely that you'd have difficulty keeping eye contact.
For a person of high status, they view the entire world the same way you would think of the ten year old.
You see, tolerance to social pressure is a conveyor of status. Demonstrating status and value is perhaps THE most important, most crucial asspect of running game.
Your inner game affects your ability to withstand social pressure. And like it or not, your inner game WILL manifest itself through your body language, voice, eye contact, and countless other cues.
This is why it's important to pinpoint your filters of insecurity and do whatever is necessary to eradicate them.
So, with that in mind, I'm going to list some of the most commmon filters of insecurity for you here. Let's go.
1. Being stuck in your head. You'll see this one a lot. Have you ever been talking to somebody, and they seem like they're not really listening to you, but they're somewhere else? They're probably doing this. It's basically not paying attention to other people because you're focused on your next move, or you're thinking about logistics or something like that. When you do this, you're not living in the moment, and it can end up hurting you.
A social interaction is a living, dynamic thing, and to avoid making social errors, you need to pay attention to the people you're interacting with. Get out of your own head.
2. Nervousness. With this one, your fear of failure colors everything around you. Think about how this sabotages your game. A person of true high status wouldn't view social interaction as something having potentially negative consequences. If you're portraying yourself as someone of high status but underneath, you're nervous, it's gonna show.
You've gotta shake that nervousness. Remember, it's called "the GAME" for a reason!
3. Paranoia. This is another big one. This is what was going on in the example above with the short guy, and it's particularly insidious. You're gaming a girl and you hear laughter behind you, and you instantly assume they're laughing AT YOU. Your state breaks. Turns out they were laughing at a joke they just heard, but that's irrelevant. The damage is already done, and so are you.
Remember, just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you... but behave as though it does anyway. :)
4. Self-monitoring. This is related to #1, but it's worse in a certain sense. It's actually like #1 and #2 COMBINED. You're constantly analyzing the reaction to everything you say to make sure it's well-received. You're walking on eggshells, carefully selecting the words that come out of your mouth. Basically, you're being what we call OUTCOME DEPENDENT, which reeks of NEEDINESS.
Live in the moment and let go of any concerns you have about the outcome.
5. Undeservedness. I used to be massively guilty of this one. I would approach extremely beautiful girls and then inexplicably screw it up. I couldn't understand this for the longest time, because when I'd go up to regular girls, I'd have no problem running picture-perfect game. I knew exactly what to do, but for some reason, when I hit up a 9, I'd forget everything I'd learned and act like an idiot.
I realized it was related to filters of insecurity. I felt that I didn't DESERVE to get these hot, hot girls, because I wasn't good- looking enough myself. It wasn't until I understood this and rejected the idea that I started having success with the elite calibre women. You should do the same.
6. Fear of expression. Have you ever had stage fright? That's what this is. Make no mistake, when you're running game on a girl, it's no different that getting up on stage and singing in front of a crowd. It's an expression. All game is the expression of your inner state, conveyed by the rhythms you use to direct the energy of the interaction.
If you want to have success in pickup, you've got to be unafraid to get up there and shine. That's what charisma is all about, and people are drawn to it like a magnet.
7. Arrogant beliefs. Someone with arrogant beliefs refuses to acknowledge that they can learn anything from someone else. This can hinder your development as a pick up artist, because often times the biggest revelations can come from unlikely sources. For example, believe it or not, every time I do a bootcamp, I end up learning something from the student that I'll incorporate into my game.
Always keep the student frame.
8. Hinging self esteem on what others think. If you have this particular filter in your head, your state is easily broken as soon as anyone launches an attack on you. Unfortunately, this betrays you as someone with a weak frame who is not of high status, and sinks your game.
Always keep in mind that your success or failure at this game has nothing to do with your value as a person, any more than your ability to shoot a basketball does. It's just a skill.
9. Fear to break rapport. Many students I work with are plagued by this, they are afraid to be perceived as "rude". What they don't realize is, in many situations, breaking rapport is in fact the correct course of action, for example when someone tries to tool you, or in the initial stages of the pick-up, to build attraction. But these guys are so paralyzed by the idea that they might be thought of asa rude, that they fail to act and watch the house of cards come tumbling down.
Don't be a doormat. Stand up and be counted; break rapport when it's necessary.
10. Need to entertain. Also known as "The Curse of the Dancing Monkey". Characterized by a feeling that you have to impress others, lest they grow bored and run away. Basically, this is indicative of a lack of confidence. You don't feel intrinsically valuable, so you bust out all these jokes and gimmicks in an attempt to hold the attention of the group.
Sure, you hold their attention. But all you're doing is providing them with their entertainment for the night. When closing time rolls around, it's, "Thank you very much and goodnight." You're going home alone. Lose this need to entertain, drop it like a hot rock.
These filters of insecurity that I've listed above are just a sample of the more common ones we see in the field, it's by no means intended to be a comprehensive catalog. Take the time and ask yourself, "Which of these could apply to me?" Then do your best to eliminate them from your life.
It only takes ONE of these to throw your state off for the entire night. And your STATE tends to play a huge part in your success or failure in this game.
During the Real Social Dynamics live, in-field personalized workshops and bootcamps, your state will be pumped SKY-HIGH, NON-STOP. There are tons of little tricks we employ to get you into state and keep you there... THE ENTIRE WEEKEND.
And hey, once you know these tricks, you'll be able to induce that game-winning state ANYTIME, ANYWHERE!
You wanna know what the best part is?
That's only the beginning.
Over the course of the program, you'll be bombarded with MOUNTAINS of cutting-edge information to rocket your game to the next level.
Armed with this information, you'll be able to:
=> Approach any group of people without fear or hesitation.
=> Immediately capture their undivided attention.
=> Separate yourself from the competition.
=> Build attraction within minutes (if not seconds).
=> Consistently establish comfort and trust.
=> Deflect any opposition with conversational ninjitsu.
=> Demonstrate that your standards are extremely high.
=> Seal the deal consistently!
Visit our site NOW to learn more about RSD Individualized Bootcamps:
"Incredible. So much info related in 3 days my mind is SATURATED! Opened multiple sets on a regular basis - a concept that I didn't think was realistic at all. Overcame my fears/inhibitions and had awesome encounters with absolutely beautiful women."
- Lance G, San Francisco, CA
These methods you read about are merely guidelines.
That's why it's so important to have a coach, to show you the finer points, the nuances, that just can't be conveyed in black and white print.
As I've said before, when I first decided to make that change and get this part of my life HANDLED, I floundered around at it for years without much success.
It wasn't until I met up with some truly gifted individuals in person that my game started to take off by leaps and bounds.
The bottom line?
I'm sure, given enough time, I would have eventually figured most (MOST!) of this stuff out on my own. But as it turns out, that wasn't necessary.
Because I found a shortcut.
Jump-Start Your Game And Shave Years Off Your Learning Curve!
In the Real Social Dynamics live, in-field Personalized Workshops and Bootcamps, our Executive Coaches will bring the full force of all their experience and knowledge to bear on your current sticking points, annihilating them out of existence.
This kind of professional, objective advice isn't available anywhere else. This has never been done before.
Listen: knowing exactly what to do, and when to do it, will trim years off your learning curve. (And most "naturals" never learn this at all.. they "shoot from the hip" and their closing ratios are embarrassing... yet they still get with dozens of hot girls per year!)
Friend, if you're feeling a strong inner pull that says "Do this!", then trust your instincts, and grab all of the tools and resources we've spent years developing - so you can instantly profit from our years of hard-won experience. You can only come out ahead.
To learn more, check out this link:
Thanks again for reading our newsletter, Friend. Tune in next time, as we take some reader mail and answer some of your questions.
Jeffy, Executive Coach REAL SOCIAL DYNAMICSPS...Do you have any questions or success stories that you'd like to see in this newsletter? Keep it brief, email them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I'll answer them personally. I'll provide the solution to any challenge you can possibly put to me. Remember: even if an obstacle seems "big" to you, our team has probably faced it hundreds of times, so we can solve
it in a SNAP.
Copyright 2004/2005 Real Social Dynamics Inc., All Rights Reserved. Real Social Dynamics is a trademark of Real Social Dynamics Inc. You agree to all of the following by accepting and reading this: You understand this to be an expression of opinions and not professional advice. It is only to be used for personal entertainment purposes. You are solely responsible for the use of the ideas, concepts, and content and hold Real Social Dynamics Inc. and all members and affiliates harmless in any event or claim. If you are under the age of 18, please go to the link at the end of this e-letter to stop receiving it or send mail to "RSD" 8491 West Sunset Boulevard, #452, West Hollywood, CA 90069.
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